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Institute of Pixel Science est. 1957Virtual locations · Real craftsmanship · Every pixel placed with care

From the Institute Archives

Lab History

The Ship's Log: the Lab's official logbook, faithfully kept by whichever nurse was nearest the typewriter (or, lately, whoever wasn't holding the camera). Some entries have been redacted by order of the Director. Most have not.

  1. The Studio

    Long before the Lab, there was a little pinup studio above a hat shop in St. Louis. Dolores posed there first, a freckled redhead of twenty-two in the early 1930s, and she never really left. Whenever a stocking needed mending, a model fell off a stepladder or the photographer forgot to pay the light bill, it was Dolores who sorted it out, and by the forties she was minding the front desk, the first-aid kit and, more or less, the whole studio. So she was there to sign in every girl who came after her. Marguerite arrived in the mid-thirties with a French accent and opinions about angles, and stayed on to do the retouching. Bettie came in the forties and spent every shoot rearranging the lamps until the photographer gave up and let her do the lighting. And finally, in the early fifties, came Trixie, who asked whether the grain could be "a little more emotional." Dolores fed them all lunch and looked after each new girl the way she'd have liked someone to look after her. The studio became a family. And every one of them learned what good light looks like from the wrong side of the lens.

  2. Gateway Memorial

    One by one, the girls put their modelling money into college (Dolores first, of course: somebody had to be the one who really knew first aid), traded the studio lights for nursing caps and lab coats, and followed each other to Gateway Memorial Hospital in St. Louis. On Saturdays they still climbed the stairs above the hat shop, where Dolores kept the kettle on between night shifts. There they came under the wing of the hospital's brilliant and faintly alarming chief of research, Dr. Helga von Bustier. The hospital had never seen a better-lit ward. Whether Dr. von Bustier ever posed for the studio herself is a subject she declines to discuss.

  3. The Shortcut

    It was a Friday. The five of them set off in Dolores's Buick for the Sunshine State Medical Congress in Miami Beach, where Dr. von Bustier was to present a paper nobody has ever been allowed to read. Dr. von Bustier navigated. Dr. von Bustier found a shortcut. The shortcut was Route 66, which goes the other way. By nightfall they were deep in the Ozarks, the radio was all static, and a thunderstorm of historic proportions was rolling in over the hills.

  4. The Crash

    At 11:14 p.m. a lightning bolt the width of a barn split the sky, struck something in the clouds, and that something came down in a cornfield a quarter-mile off the road, glowing faintly and humming like a refrigerator. The girls pulled over, because nurses always do. It was a ship. The lightning had done terrible things to it: its crew were gone without a trace, its computers were scrambled clean (every star chart, and every record of whoever had built it, gone in a flash), its drive was leaking something that made the corn stand up straight, and its disguise was broken. (A ship like that can make itself look like a barn, a diner or a filling station. On any other night, nobody would ever have known it was there.) Standing in the first corridor with a broom was a tall, stooped man with a walrus mustache. The girls took him for a farmer who'd come out to see the crash. He did not correct them. His name tag said GUS.

  5. The Founding

    The ship had been reset to factory settings, and it was looking for a crew. It read the minds of the first people through the hatch (medical people, every one, who loved a good photograph) and rearranged its insides to suit them: gleaming corridors, a ward, an operating theatre, a laboratory, and a darkroom with a red light already on. It was a good deal bigger on the inside than on the outside. At the end of the laboratory, the lights flickered hopefully at a very large knife switch on the wall. Dr. von Bustier threw it. The lights dimmed across three counties. When they came back on, the ship had a new crew, and the Institute of Pixel Science was open for business. The girls called it the Lab. It seemed to like that.

  6. The Second Switch

    Nobody is sure who threw the switch the second time. (Orderly Gus denies everything.) With a noise the neighbors described as "a very large sneeze," the Lab lifted out of the cornfield, straight up through the storm, and out past the edge of the solar system, with four nurses, one doctor, one orderly, a set of filing cabinets and a very surprised mailman aboard. The mailman was returned to Missouri the following Tuesday. He never delivered to that route again.

  7. The Clock Nobody Can Set

    When the lightning reset the Lab to factory settings, it reset everything, including the master clock on the bridge. On the first morning aboard, its big brass dials read Day 1 · 0000 · 00, and they have been counting up from there ever since.

    Everybody has had a go at setting it right. Dr. von Bustier checked it against her wristwatch, announced that it was "roughly Thursday," and went to lunch. Nurse Marguerite found the instruction manual, but it was written in no language anyone on Earth has ever seen, and the pages about the clock were the ones the lightning scorched. Nurse Bettie took off the front panel and found no knobs, no springs and no hands, only a small brass plate that said, as near as anyone can translate it, DO NOT. Nurse Trixie asked it nicely. The clock ticked a little louder, which she took as a no. Orderly Gus is the only one who has never tried. When Nurse Bettie asked him why, he looked at the dials for a long moment, said, "It's right," and went back to sweeping.

    Nobody knows what the clock said before the storm, or how many days it had counted for the ship's builders. Nurse Marguerite did eventually work out that its days roll over at midnight in Greenwich, England, which nobody can explain, since the Lab had never been anywhere near England. The Lab says it just seemed polite.

    So the crew stopped trying to set it and started using it. Aboard the Lab, the date is the ship's day (counted from the Founding, which was Day 1), then the minute of the ship's day (0000 to 1439), then the second. The nurses call it Lab Standard Time. It still ticks at the foot of every page of this site. It has never lost a second. It has simply never been told what time it is.

  8. The Wallflower Field

    Among the wreckage from the crash was the Lab's disguise system, the clever machinery that lets the ship look like a barn, a diner or a filling station. The lightning had broken it into pieces. It took the Lab the best part of four years to grow its outside back, but Nurse Bettie could solder, and by spring she had turned the pieces into twelve little brass units that clip onto a camera strap.

    Switch one on and you're standing inside a Wallflower Field. Nobody notices you. People look right at you and their eyes simply slide off, the way they slide past a wallflower at a dance. The Lab's alien film sees straight through it, so the camera catches everything and the crowd sees nothing at all. It is how the staff shoot in parks, at parades and on crowded beaches without causing a single traffic accident.

    The units have their quirks. The batteries run low at the worst possible moment, so a good many shoots have ended in a sprint. Nurse Trixie forgets hers about once a month. And there were twelve units, but there are only eleven now. The sign-out sheet for the twelfth is in Orderly Gus's handwriting. It says: "borrowed."

  9. The Ladies' Auxiliary

    Word gets around. Four cheerful nurses, one formidable doctor and a friendly orderly, with cameras and a lot of stories, and before long women everywhere were asking how they could help. So Dr. von Bustier founded the Ladies' Auxiliary of the Institute of Pixel Science.

    Any grown woman can join, as long as she wants to. First comes the Course: a few evening classes aboard the Lab, taught by the nurses themselves. Nurse Dolores teaches first aid and bandaging. Nurse Marguerite teaches anatomy "for artists and the curious." Nurse Bettie teaches lighting, and how to find your good side. Nurse Trixie teaches how to hold perfectly still for a long exposure. Dr. von Bustier gives the closing lecture, which runs long.

    Every member goes home with the Auxiliary Handbook, a pocket booklet with a pink cover (bandages on page 4, artificial respiration on page 9, and a very long chapter on posture), and signs Form 18-B, the same form every visitor signs at the front desk. Graduates get a pink enamel pin, a membership card, their own Auxiliary number and honorary staff privileges: they're welcome aboard any time, and they model on expeditions whenever they like. Sixty-eight years on, the Auxiliary has chapters on every continent (Antarctica's has three members and perfect attendance), and its members appear in thousands of slides. The Lab keeps every one of their numbers on file.

    Every Auxiliary member will tell you it was Orderly Gus who invited her, and every one of them has his card. Gus has never been seen leaving the Lab. The card has no telephone number on it. It just says GUS.

  10. The Mystery Stock

    The Lab makes its own film. At the back of the Supply Room stands a tall cabinet of brushed alien metal that hums to itself, and every morning its drawer slides open on a fresh row of film canisters, still warm. Nobody loads it and nobody orders it. Nurse Marguerite has been looking for the delivery door for sixty-eight years.

    The lightning that reset the clock scrambled the film cabinet too. Every canister now comes out stamped with a single question mark, and the film inside doesn't decide what it is until it reaches the darkroom. Same roll, same camera, same afternoon: one frame comes up as glowing Kodachrome, the next as gritty black and white, the next hand-tinted like an old postcard. Some frames look as if they came from a box camera, some from a press camera the size of a toaster, and one memorable roll came out entirely as Polaroids, which is not how Polaroids work. Nurse Bettie has tested it every way she knows: same light, same lens, same model, same pose. The film simply does what it likes, and it doesn't even stay the same for a whole roll: the stock can change from one frame to the next, so a single strip of negatives runs color, black and white, sepia and color again, like a deck of cards shuffled in the dark. (Hold any expedition's Film Strips up to the light and you can see it for yourself.) The crew call it the Mystery Stock.

    So they stopped fighting it and started betting on it. Every roll that goes into the tank gets a slip in Nurse Trixie's Darkroom Sweepstakes: a nickel says Tri-X, a dime says Ektachrome, a quarter says sepia. Nurse Dolores swears the film reads the model's mood. Marguerite keeps a ledger of every result, hunting for a pattern; it is four hundred pages long, and the only pattern is that there isn't one. Dr. von Bustier calls it "the Lab's little joke." Asked about it directly, the Lab printed a single line on the darkroom teletype: THE LAB LIKES SURPRISES.

    The film has one more habit. Whenever the Lab photographs anything with writing on it (a shop sign, a menu board, a banner over a dance floor), its translator is meant to set the lettering down in good plain English. The lightning got into that too. Most frames come out fine, but every so often a sign comes out of the tank in a script nobody aboard can read: confident loops, letters that almost look familiar, and once, on a diner menu, a word that made Nurse Bettie blush without anyone knowing why. Marguerite stamps those frames LETTERING GARBLED · SHIP'S TRANSLATOR FAULT in blue ink and files them on their own wall, Lost in Translation.

    That is why the camera log on every slide lists its film stock as top secret: nobody knows what a roll is until it's developed, and by then it's far too late to ask. Orderly Gus has never entered the Sweepstakes. Before every shoot he writes a word in pencil on each canister, and he wipes it off before anyone can read it. His rolls, the nurses have noticed, never seem to surprise him.

  11. The Long Shift

    The nurses kept working, because nurses always do. For sixty-six years the Lab showed them the galaxy: ringed worlds and double sunsets, nebulae in colours nobody on Earth had a name for, and a great many things that simply had to be photographed. What they never found was anyone. Not one other civilisation, not so much as a radio signal. Without its star charts the Lab had no idea where its builders had come from, and the universe turns out to be a very big place to search when you don't know where to look. (Nobody asked Gus.) The Lab mended its wounds as it went, sealed its leak, rebuilt its drive, and redesigned itself so that no storm would ever knock it out of the sky again. (It still dims the lights during thunderstorms, just to be safe.) The staff call those years the long shift.

  12. Nobody Is Getting Any Older

    Ten years in, Nurse Dolores noticed that her reading glasses had not needed changing once, and Nurse Trixie was still getting asked for ID. Dr. von Bustier ran every test she could think of, and several she couldn't. The answer: the ship's leak on the night of the crash had been tachyon radiation, and a few days of it had stopped the crew's clocks for good. Nobody aboard has aged a day since September 13, 1957. The Lab says it's permanent, and perfectly harmless. Dr. von Bustier is "running further tests." Orderly Gus looks exactly as he did in the cornfield. Nobody has asked him about it.

  13. Some of Us Are Getting Younger

    Twenty-one years in, the tachyons played their second trick. Nurse Dolores found that her grey hairs had gone. Nurse Marguerite's reading glasses were suddenly too strong. And Dr. von Bustier's crow's feet had quietly packed up and left. Tachyons travel backwards in time, it turns out, and a little of that had rubbed off on the crew. Over the next ten years the older women grew gradually younger, until the Lab announced, in its politest voice, that it had finished "settling everyone into their prime". It stopped by 1990, with everyone comfortably in their thirties and forties. Nurse Trixie, the youngest, didn't change at all, and has not stopped complaining about it. The only thing that never rewound is Dr. von Bustier's white lightning streak. She says it's "structural". She dyes it.

  14. Shore Leave

    Every so often, the crew got homesick for Earth. The Lab would slip into the atmosphere, disguise itself as something ordinary (a roadside diner in 1962, a motor court in 1974, a roller rink in 1979) and the girls would take a week of shore leave with their cameras. Those are the photographs of the staff on Earth in other decades, and there may be more in the boxes yet. Orderly Gus turns up in the background of several of them, including a few from trips he was definitely not on.

  15. Something Interesting on Earth

    Late in 2022, the Lab picked up something interesting on Earth's radio: people were teaching machines to make pictures. After sixty-six years of placing pixels by hand (well, by tensor arm), the crew knew a thing or two about that, and they wanted to be part of it: to learn, to help, and to help Earth enjoy life a little more, one picture at a time. The Lab set a course for home.

  16. Touchdown

    After sixty-six years among the stars, the Lab set down on Earth for good, disguised itself as a perfectly respectable building, and the staff immediately opened a fake picture site. The first slides were modest: a handful of AI images at a maximum of 810 × 1080 pixels. Everyone agreed it was a start.

  17. Continuing Education

    The entire ICU staff completed state-of-the-art mail-order training courses in wormhole technology and baling wire, learning new methods of bending space and time to rewrite reality. Several also mailed away for the photography correspondence course advertised on the back of a comic book, and it shows. Image quality improved to over 9000, and our showcase images grew to 1632 × 2088. (We can make them even bigger, but they take longer, and we ain't got time for that.)

  18. The Auxiliary Starts Modeling

    Do you like Big, Beautiful Women? We do too! Several of our more top-heavy Ladies' Auxiliary nurses volunteered to model for the staff's cameras, and the first BBW Wallpaper and BBW Portrait series were born. We hope you enjoy them as much as they enjoyed making them.

    Auxiliary note: the Ladies' Auxiliary's waiting list doubled the week this series came out.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  19. The Great Upscale

    Using improved reality-altering processes, the staff began upgrading their favorite images to the new 1632 × 2088 resolution. Along with the larger size came more realistic skin tones and a noticeable improvement in overall fakeness.

  20. Forced Relocation

    Our original home, FakePics.icu, was abruptly shut down by the .ICU domain registry. We could not get it turned back on, or even find out why. It was like talking to a brick wall. So we packed up the lab, trashed every .ICU name we owned, and moved to the .nu neighborhood, where we have been happily ever since. If you ever spot an old .icu-branded picture, now you know why.

  21. The Bulk Image Directory

    The staff finished baking a custom Bulk Image Directory Viewer on the picture server, so fresh slides could reach the public faster than ever. It was held together with PHP and optimism.

  22. BBW at the Pool

    A new summer series: BBW at the Pool, hundreds of portraits of our top-heavy Ladies' Auxiliary nurses enjoying the water. The lifeguard has asked us not to discuss it.

    Auxiliary note: the Auxiliary's summer outing. Wallflower Fields on the diving board. The lifeguard saw nothing, which is exactly what he's upset about.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  23. Return from Off-World Holiday

    The staff returned from an off-world holiday with improved alien technology and more concentrated pixels, enabling new higher-resolution 1024 × 1024 slides. First up: the 2024 Halloween Portraits, 182 of them. Feast your eyes.

    Auxiliary note: the Halloween sitters were Auxiliary volunteers in costume, or out of it.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  24. The Election Streaking Series

    Just in time for the election, the lab staff took their cameras to the campaign trail. 246 patriotic portraits of Ladies' Auxiliary nurses streaking political events. Every one of them was a registered voter.

    Auxiliary note: Wallflower Fields at full power. The most-attended streak in history, and nobody saw a thing.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  25. Grateful Eating Day

    Ladies' Auxiliary nurses worldwide took a rare day off to celebrate Grateful Eating Day, and the staff brought their cameras. 245 candid holiday portraits, and absolutely no pie was spared.

    Auxiliary note: every chapter of the Auxiliary held its own dinner that day, with the Handbook open at page 9 on every table, just in case.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  26. Portrait Orientation

    New 960 × 1344 portrait-orientation slides joined the Bulk Image Directory. The Auxiliary had to learn to stand up straight.

  27. Spring Break Vacation

    Ladies' Auxiliary nurses and a crop of new recruits hit the beach for Spring Break 2025: 460 5×7 portraits, shot on location by the staff with improved large-format Polaroid Professional cameras.

    Auxiliary note: the recruits were brand-new Auxiliary members, fresh from the Course and showing off their pins.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  28. Earth Day, au naturel

    The Ladies' Auxiliary celebrated Earth Day 2025 the only way they know how: outdoors and au naturel. 630 5×7 portraits, shot on location by the staff using updated analog-to-digital techniques.

    Auxiliary note: the Auxiliary planted a tree for every portrait. The Wallflower Fields kept the park rangers calm.

    These slides were lost in a wormhole in September 2026 and aren't on the site right now. What happened?

  29. The Extended Sabbatical

    After Earth Day, the staff were, in the Director's words, "thoroughly exposed." So the Lab took the whole crew on holiday, and didn't mention when. They came out beside Saturn, where the S.S. Wormhole, the finest luxury liner Earth will ever build, was cruising the rings on a very relaxed schedule, and they booked the grand suite. It took the nurses a week to notice: the menu was priced in "credits", the band had never heard of Elvis, and the brochure said Maiden Season, 2391. The Lab had brought them 366 years into the future. What was meant to be a long weekend ran to fifteen months: zero-gravity shuffleboard, cocktails with little umbrellas made of pure light, and a talent show nobody is allowed to discuss. Orderly Gus stayed aboard the Lab to mind the tensor arms, or so he claims; the S.S. Wormhole's guest register says he was a passenger on the liner the whole time, in cabin 66. The nurses came home to 2026 tanned, rested, and with a brand-new shape in mind for the Lab.

  30. The Grand Reopening

    The Institute moved out of its rented WordPress basement, and the Lab reshaped its outside into a purpose-built facility. (It can do that.) New additions include The Light Table, the Filing Cabinets, the Department of Suspicious Statistics, and The Darkroom on p.fakepics.nu, where slides are developed for the outside world. Our sister site, BoobLab.nu, was closed and its staff transferred to FakePics. Orderly Gus was already there.

  31. Press Passes for Everyone

    With the Lab's new disguise in place, Dr. von Bustier made an announcement over the ward intercom: the nurses of the Image Care Unit would henceforth double as the Institute's field photographers. Every nurse was issued a press pass, a camera loaded with alien film, and strict instructions to come back with models, not selfies. As it turned out, the first field expedition went further than anyone had planned: a month later it set off by way of a dial nobody had noticed yet (see The Lab's Other Trick), and its slides are filed as Hallowe'en Hop 1962. Every roll is developed in the Tensor Lab, filed in the Filing Cabinets, and laid out on the Light Table. Orderly Gus was never issued a press pass. He has one anyway.

  32. The Case of the Missing Slides

    On the way home from the twenty-fourth century, Dr. von Bustier found a shortcut through a small wormhole. (She was navigating. Of course she was.) The Lab came out the other side a little lighter: when the cargo hold was opened, every slide carton from 2023 to 2025 was gone: the BBW Wallpapers, the pool party, Halloween, the campaign trail, Grateful Eating Day, Spring Break and Earth Day. All of it, lost in time. The Director has opened a fresh file in the Filing Cabinets. The nurses are re-developing what they can from the original negatives, and whatever they recover will return to the Light Table one set at a time. Anyone who spots a stray carton drifting through the space-time continuum is asked to contact the Complaints Department.

    Lost & Found register · kept by the Complaints Department

    7 cartons still missing · 0 recovered

  33. The Lab's Other Trick

    Ever since the cruise, the crew have wanted to know how the Lab got them to 2391. Late one night shift, Nurse Bettie found out: a dial in the Tensor Lab, labelled in no language anyone aboard can read. She turned it, and the view from the porthole changed from 2026 to 1926. The Lab says it has always been able to do that. It says nobody asked. The staff are now planning their first time expeditions: a speakeasy, a drive-in, a roller disco and places further back still. Every roll will come home to the Light Table. Orderly Gus has already packed.

  34. Latest

    The Hallowe'en Hop

    For the first proper time expedition, the crew drew straws, and Nurse Trixie won. Trixie wanted a dance. She turned the dial in the Tensor Lab to Hallowe'en night, 1962, and the Lab came down behind a small-town Grange hall, disguised as a hay barn. It fooled everyone except the horses. (The crew had already lived through 1962 once, the long way round. This time they skipped straight to the good part.)

    The Grange was throwing its Hallowe'en Hop: orange and black crepe paper, a washtub of apples for bobbing, a four-piece band in skeleton suits, and a punch bowl that somebody had definitely improved. Word had gone out through the local chapter of the Ladies' Auxiliary, and the members turned out in force: witches, cat-women, one very daring mummy and at least three Cleopatras. Every one of them was a grown woman who had signed her Form 18-B at the door. With the Wallflower Field switched on, the costumes got smaller as the night went on, and nobody at the punch bowl noticed a thing.

    Nurse Bettie lit the dance floor with one jack-o'-lantern and a great deal of nerve. Nurse Dolores treated a sprained ankle, two apple-bobbing incidents, and a cat-woman whose tail got caught in the door. Nurse Marguerite spent the evening explaining to the Grange treasurer that her camera was "a sort of Polaroid." Dr. von Bustier won the costume contest by coming as herself; the judges took her for a mad scientist. Every roll came home to be developed in the Tensor Lab, and the slides are filed as Hallowe'en Hop 1962 in the Filing Cabinets.

    Two things nobody can explain. The first: the ship's clock never ran backwards. All night it kept ticking forward in Lab Standard Time, as if 1962 were just another stop on the line. Nurse Marguerite has added "the clock doesn't care what year it is" to her notebook of things nobody can explain. The second: the Grange's guest book. Everybody signed it at the door, and the last line, in a careful hand Nurse Bettie swears she has seen on a sign-out sheet, reads Gus — skeleton, borrowed. The next morning the Grange's costume box was one skeleton suit short. Orderly Gus stayed aboard that night to mind the dial, and says he has never been to a dance in his life. The camera logs, all the same, credit more than two dozen frames of the Hop to him.

  35. Next in the Ship's Log: Shore Leave: The Blue Moon Diner, out November 1. Get it by telegram.

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